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Teaching Good Manners:

Some children are a joy to be around. They are pleasant and polite and treat others with respect. Other children are very different— they may be noisy, rude, and defiant. Does one of these describe your child, or is he somewhere in between? Most parents want well-behaved children, and the best way to achieve that goal is to teach good manners from the beginning. Parents can teach manners through direct teaching, reminding, and setting a good example.

Knowing how to be polite will give children self-confidence and help them avoid embarrassment. All of us have had that shrinking feeling when we do something rude or unkind in public. Children feel the same way. Teaching good manners by correcting a child won’t harm his self-esteem. In fact, it will improve his self-esteem, because others will respond positively to his good manners!

What manners should children know by the time they start school?

• At age two, they should say, “please,” “thank you,” and “I’m sorry.”

• At ages three to four, they should begin learning table manners such as chewing with their mouths closed and holding a spoon. They should also be able to follow basic instructions and not interrupt when adults are talking.

• At ages five to six, they should be able to hold and use silverware, pass and ask for food, keep napkins in their laps to use correctly, avoid talking with their mouths full, and keep their elbows off the table. They should also learn to set the table for family meals.

• Also at ages five to six, children should learn how to greet adults by looking them in the eyes and shaking hands.

By the time they leave elementary school, youngsters should know:

• How to introduce parents and other family members to adults such as teachers or youth workers.

• How to answer the phone politely and safely, and how to take messages.

• How to behave and order in a restaurant.

• How to write simple thank-you notes.

• How to hold a conversation with an adult.

What can you do?

Teaching children kindness and consideration for others involves four steps.

1. Talk about and teach social skills.

The best way to teach your child is to set a good example. If you tell your child to do something but don’t do it yourself, he’ll learn that it’s not really important. When discussing manners with your child, be specific. Instead of saying, “Be nice,” tell him to smile, say “please” and “thank you,” and share.

2. Give the child plenty of chances to practice social skills.

Children don’t learn just by seeing and talking about new information. Give the child a chance to practice the skills in everyday life. Role-play situations that you think are important. Let the child pretend to be host, and teach him to be ready for his guests, to include them in play, to show them around, and to let them go first. Then switch and let him play “guest.” Teach him to walk (not run) inside the house, to clean up after himself, and to tell his host, “Thank you for having me.”

3. Give positive and helpful feedback on the child’s progress.

Teach one or two skills at once. After they become habit, start teaching the child one or two new ones. Notice when your child uses a new skill, either in role-play or in “real life.” Tell him what he did, and then encourage more of the same with praise, hugs, and smiles. When your child says or does something really rude, wait until you get home to correct him. He may already feel embarrassed, and scolding him publicly will make it worse.

4. Have patience!

Remember that mistakes should be learning opportunities. Good manners cannot be learned in a day!

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Week 1: Value Yourself!

Do any of these statements sound familiar?

• I’m so lazy.

• I’m never patient enough.

• I’m just not a very good parent.

Thoughts like these hurt. They actually make it harder for you to be a parent: they cause stress, and most of the time they are not true. Instead of sending negative messages to yourself when something goes wrong, send a positive one to help you work through a bad time or help you to change. For instance:

When you think, “I’m a bad parent. I made a mistake,” replace it with, “I learned from this situation.”

When you think, “I can’t let my child see me (sad, angry, frustrated…),” replace it with, “My child will learn from knowing me as I am.”

When you think, “I can’t change the way I am,” replace it with, “I can change– one step at a time.”

Week 2: How to win the chore war!

“How many times do I have to remind you to take out the trash?” Sound familiar? Household jobs are a part of every family’s daily life, yet they tend to create ongoing conflict. Give yourself a pat on the back if you assign your kids chores. It’s an important way kids learn responsibility, even children as young as two can help out around the house. Here are a few pointers for making the process easier on everybody.

Have a plan. Kids thrive on routine. It’s best if they have routine chores that they do at regular times. For instance, clearing the table is done right after eating. Trash is taken out immediately after the kitchen is cleaned up. Bed is made right after dressing. The more you develop these routines, the less reminding you will have to do. When you do have to remind it can be a brief statement, “trash time.” With more than one child you can rotate chores but keep in mind it will take extra effort to develop new routines. Visual reminders help kids stay on track. A poster, chart or job board can help kids stay focused.

Train and encourage. Use a four-step process when introducing a new job. First, you do the job, narrating as you work, while the child watches. Next, do the job together. Third the child does the job while you watch, coach and encourage. Fourth, the child is ready to go it alone. If you eliminate training then you open the door for battles since you will both be operating under different expectations.

Follow through. Once you decide on a plan, do your best to stick to it every day. If you allow excuses and delays then you’ll find yourself fighting with your child. If you have a kid who fights the routine, establish a consequence for failure to complete chores, and follow through without anger or threats.

Who does what? Here’s a list of ideas to get you thinking about what your kids are capable of doing. Don’t underestimate your children! The same child who runs a complicated computer game can certainly manage the washer and dryer!

Age 2-3 : Put toys away, help set table

Age 4-5: Get the mail, help with yard work, feed the pets

Age 6-7: Pour own drinks/ get own snacks, clear table after meals, empty wastebaskets

Age 8-9: Sweep or mop floor, run and take own bath, load and run dishwasher

Age 10-11: Help prepare dinner, mow lawn, clean kitchen

Age 12-14: Prepare a dinner meal, clean bathrooms